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The Shrewshape E-Mails; To: DracoVox, Re: Spin Control, Again

January 16, 2010

“The devill . . the prowde spirite . . cannot endure to be mocked.”—Thomas More

My Esteemed Colleague DracoVox,

I hesitate to bring this to your attention. It concerns your Patient, the Certifiably. Again! Also your Newlyweds. I hesitate, as you have a deservedly brilliant reputation; you have deftly handled the patients in your vast Reach, and have used the Certifiably very carefully in the past. You redacted his history at KFC and  expertly spinned  the more bizarre behaviors that made it into that Report That Must Not Be Named .  How regrettable! the author was allowed to go on record recanting that he had ever recanted.* And then his untimely departure to that Permanent Place of Punishment, that is, the Enemy’s Presence! And so that dreadful document haunts the Internet still. How I hate that terrible technology! The ease of Pornographic and Gaming delivery to the patients is not enough to redeem it in my eyes.

Yes, most worthy Dracovox, you are the Master of Spin, as you demonstrated in your superb handling of the downfall of “The Terror of The Lord”! It invokes awe. Hardly a ripple among from among them, very hush-hush, (because it is of the most delicate nature!), and so this climate enabled that attempt to restore him at Fakeland. How easily these gutless wonders forgive and forget– witness the Newlyweds! And look how our patients forget every proven false word and forgive every bizarre vision the Certifiably says because it is from the Enemy. You larded ‘the Prophetic Movement’ with enough caveats to get the Certifiably off any hook–so brilliant! No stoning of false prophets is called for, because predictions are conditional (enough people evidently repented, so…) Or the Enemy decided to delay things for some reason, or (best of all) the ‘maturing’ of the gifts is necessary so prophets can’t be held to 100% accuracy. What is Accuracy anyway? What is Truth? So excellently has my dear brother Screwtape moved the goalposts, that not even standards of competence remain for this generation. Scrumptious.

You are a manipulater as skillful as my dear sibling, and I bow before your amazing skill. I understand completely why the Ludicrous Buffoon and his Atrophy Wife were assigned as your patients–clearly there needs to be a master of damage control, well in charge. Yet I am uneasy about the Ludicrous Buffoon’s relaunch. I don’t think awareness is where we want it to be; note that the YouTube videos are still getting plenty of jeers and not enough advocates carrying the David and Bathsheba message–we must disable comments there! Even his own handlers are questioning the wisdom of his return to “ministry”; saying, “too soon, much too soon—wasn’t the sweet couples ‘confession’ taped just two months ago”? And now the Ludicrous Buffoon is onstage at our Point of Sale? No, not appropriate, not even for this group of patients. Can’t we send the Newlyweds on a honeymoon trip to Haiti, where they can set up some orphanages and hospitals? They are in desperate need of some credibility, and such a move would be purgative in the eyes of his target market, who are restive about this.

We’ve played on our patient’s confusion of good works and “fruit of the Spirit” very effectively in positioning others for the mainstream. We had the Mother Teresa  Barbie on CBN, doing her Jesus-Is-the- Best-Lover-Ever shtick–and she even falls out of her chair in her ecstasies! (We must reassess the Bridal Paradigm and how far to push it. The patients will soon be having orgies in front of the altars, and the guilt and shame of that might be devastating in it’s impact–we might awaken their reason!)

Mother Teresa Barbie’s public lasciviousness gets a pass from the gullible because of her  work with orphans in Mozambique. So it is simple! The Ludicrous Buffoon’s purification ritual doesn’t have to be for too long; we know what a cash cow he is for his handlers, so they won’t have to part with him too long. I recommend Haiti at the soonest.

Remember, we are seeking to launch the Atrophy as a serious Woman Of God, even a teacher! This campaign been seriously compromised by two unfortunate episodes. Certifiably’s “casting curses off” at our Point of Sale was not such a good move. Then so soon after that, the Oral Roberts Impartation. Discourage wild headshaking like “Snake Lady” for this patient as yet—since Exstasis is only at the pull promotion stage here. There is not enough demand for it. No-one, not even those we’ve hammered with our “offend the mind” message, wants to look that overtly possessed. Yet. Please rein in your pupils here. I like to have fun with the patients as well as the next tempter, but our overall campaign to make these movements mainstream will be compromised with these over-the-top behaviors.

We have strained our patients credulity with these untimely events. These will soon be YouTube staples: Imagine the titles: Prophecy: Shoes and Shunnamites? and then there is: Some Necromancy With Oral Roberts; or “A Dead Elephant in the Middle of the Bentley Living Room” or… Oh dear. I fear we may be losing control of our message, and may be risking this entire campaign.

But we’re good here pushing the same-old same-old, “hungry” call-to-action motivator–and I am hungry just thinking of the Buffoon, now aping the old-time preacher man–that southern twang and hyper-accented syllable at the end of his sentences. So old-timey and comforting to his target market.  Hungry!

Yes, so hungry for YOU, you Ludicrous Buffoon, and all such pathetic idolators. Hungry for you to join us in the wonderful buffet, given in your honor by Our Father Below. Luscious.

Yes, hungry, but we must be leery of overconfidence.

Our strategy has been greatly effective, yet frankly I worry that we are growing careless, and too sure of ourselves. We can still lose this demographic of patients. Let’s call a meeting of principals from the various channels to work out the overall campaign–I think we need some serious SWOT analysis.  We can brainstorm over breakfast at the the House of Correction for Incompetent Tempters. Sound good to you?

I am ravenously hungry just thinking about it.

Your Fellow Principal Spirit,
SHREWSHAPE

* For “The Vindication of Ernie Gruen”,  an interview obtained by the Greycoats before the death of Mr. Gruen, I am so grateful.  The False Prophetic have been experts at editing their history.  This report cannot be refuted.